I want to go to Italy... ten months and I will be there. Promise.

A Whore's Home

"A Whore's Home" a re-write of Oscar Wilde's "The Harlot's House"

On the stage I whirled my feet,

Up on the pole while they were plastered to their seats.

I worked the room with money in mind

And lingered on shame that in my eyes you would find.

Beyond the windows that were banded

Stood the morals I left stranded.

I used my body to hold the strings

Of all the inanimate living things.

Love beaconed me beyond these doors,

Where I had once believed they were before.

And as the lovers stroll the street

I writhe in jealous rage in this stifling heat.

I used to be normal when I thought I was too good

To enter the dark places of lust where the stooges stood.

I used to be desired for love over sex

But now I am symbol of this hex.

Love dies when it steps in this building.

I saw it happen when she left him sitting

On the stoop with an unlit cigarette,

Thinking about the vulgar dancing sets.

She came in out of curiosity and stayed under its spell

Like every man that could barely tell.

She became a puppet of something much bigger

That even the girls could not trigger.

And as she left at the end of the night

Her back she watched with her sight.

Scared of the future and scared of the past

She lost the love that she once had.

Soon she will realize it was a mistake.

She will miss the world because she had to take.

And now she will see it as a malady

She will miss her innocence and her mortality.

I once stood on that stoop with my bag in my hands

Praying that this would promise me a future in a wonderful land.

I thought like her and left him there

With my back in his saddened stare.

It was silly to hope

That I wouldn’t strangle myself with this rope.

Too long I was excited to strip of my clothes

In the home of a whore ridden with beautiful hoes.

Yes, I am a harlot and this is my house

I no longer where my elegant blouse.

I wear the scarlet that follows me over

To the side of town I call my Dover.

Miles from land, my lover’s hand,

I wade in the water, so blue and so grand

With no way to cross back to my heart

No way to turn around and go back to the start.

A whore’s home is no home at all

When all has left you and there is no one to call.

But still I dance for money, for sex, and for fear

That all will be helpless if I give up because of my tears.

Hott In Here

Rule # One:
       Don't get caught!

Your heart is pounding so hard that you believe it may explode. It fills your ears with the sound of its hammering pattern but you press on. You take the key out of its place and you slip it into the lock. "If I get caught..." you trail off thinking. At every turn you prepare a statement to tell someone if you do get caught. "I was just closing it up. I saw that it was left open." "I was told to get something for him so he let me use his key." At 1 am? Sure. Honestly, you are preparing for something that in the end you would be so terrified of that you would stutter and lose all conviction. You open the door. Crap, well you can't turn back now. You have to do it. You slip into the office as fast as possible and quietly shut the door behind you. You lean against the door while your heart eases its pace. "Holy shit..."

When you commit you first real act of deviance you will know it. It is something that will scare the bejesus out of you and probably have you wanting to run back to your room to hide under the covers, safe and warm. But if you go about it correctly (which I didn't), you won't want to run. Sticking to your plan, you will complete the task and get out safe. I got better with time.

I really just took a leap of faith when I did this. I was thinking about the exams I had coming up and thinking about how I just didn't want to do any of them. I saw an opening and just went for it. That was a mistake. The whole time you are involved in your task, when you aren't prepared, you are living a nightmare. Your are wondering, "When do the cleaning ladies come up here? Did I miss them already? Will campus safety come up here? Are there any professors still in their offices? Will they see the light if I turn it on? I better leave it off. Will they see my phone if I use that to light my way? What If someone knocks? How am I supposed to find this? They don't just keep them lying around, but he's messy. Maybe he does." You stop dead in your tracks and think, "what was that?" You listen closely to the area beyond the closed door...nothing. Phew.

This little adventure is causing your body so much stress because there are so many variables you did not plan for. In fact, the whole thing you didn't plan for so if you aren't extremely careful, you are fucked. Sometimes, if we think like the show "The Road Runner," you can plan all you want and still things can go wrong. Thats when you have to decide if what you are planning is worth it. I normally say yes to everything. After all, who am I afraid of and what can that person do to me? A slap on the rist for a first time offense? Get kicked out of school? We do only have one life if I recall correctly and I'm not sure if I would care too much if I had to go to school somewhere else? As long as I'm not going to jail, I consider my projects worth it.

Slipping that finger between your collar and your skin you think, "ahh it's getting pretty hot in here."

Your nerves will try to get the best of you, especially if you are new to this. Slow down and think.

I slipped into that office and got even more scared. There were so many things to think about and I didn't know how to go about them. I didn't even know where to start. He had mentioned that his tests were already printed up. Hmmm...

I started with his desk. I riffled through his papers with no certain tactic then halfway through I thought, "Will he notice if his papers aren't in the exact same place that he left them?" I continued my paper search and was convinced that he would notice. Every paper was laid back in the order that he had them and his desk drawers were only partially touched. I couldn't' think. He is a messy man. Of course he wouldn't realize that someone else had moved them. He left everything everywhere and I mean everywhere.

After I had no luck in or on top of his desk, I moved to the filing cabinet. I opened and closed it in such a hurry that I didn't think that it was the most likely place for an old test to be located. I quickly moved on and moved the mouse on his computer. Boom! The light filled the room and I had a mini heart attack. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! I listened closely to the empty space outside the door. I waited and let my heart relax into its freaked out pattern and continued. Where should I look? Will he notice if the webpage that occupied the screen or the sequence of the pages was distorted? I dared to look at his email but feared it. The most irrational thing crossed my mind. "This is an invasion of privacy, I can't look at his email!" Monroe! Your broke into his office! Everything you are doing is an invasion of privacy! I didn't look through his email. That was a mistake. I would have found the exam right there, sent to the printing department of the school to be printed for the next day. I kept going. I tried to remember the sequence of pages and then opened the computer search. I searched for many things that I thought would give me what I needed. I found it after several minutes. It was dated from a few years back so I couldn't be sure it was the same but who changes an exam too much when they already have one written up? That would just be silly to create extra work for yourself.

I hoped that my deviance wouldn't be wasted so I used my phone to take pictures of the exam, page by page. I didn't want to print it because I would need to exit the office, re-enter the office, and it could create a paper trail. Yuck. I tried to put everything back in place and then I went to the door. I pressed my ear against it and listened. It didn't sound like anyone was out there. I cracked the door and escaped into the brightly lit room that held freedom and success. I played it cool and left the building and freaked out as soon as I was in my room.

I did not get caught, I got a 98% on the exam, and I felt like a god...for a little bit. Adrenaline like that is fantastic but don't let it get to your head. The line between risk taker and arrogance is a thin one. I could have been caught at any moment and so could you.

After that experience, I began to take more precaution. I planned and prepared as much as possible and never repeated the act of deviance. Once was enough to feel it and when you get comfortable with something you get cocky.

Dare to be brave. Dare to be awesome! Dare to be a bad ass mother fucker.

Take it off, Baby...

Rule # Two:
      Be bad but don't become bad.

Involving yourself in bad behavior opens you up to the many effects of rebellion. Some of it can be good if you choose to learn from every experience but as usual, everything has a negative side to it as well. It has always confused me why if you don't pay enough attention you change and not in a good way. If you are really choosing to test your limits just be careful.

My main reasoning for taking this project on was to learn about myself. One of the many conversations I've had with my confidante circled around the fact that society sets out a path for you. Your parents, friends, and teachers all aid this path and push you in the right direction. It's almost like we are programed to do as we are told and never question why it is we must do it. Society trains us to encourage our peers and children to do the same. Automatic submission without objection is what I would call it. We eventually become robots in human life. I was... until my English class.

I did everything by the book. I would complain about the things my parents wanted me to do but I would do them none the less. It wasn't until that English class that I realized I wanted to question; I wanted to fight. So I started. I had a list of things I wanted to do and, yes, a lot of those things had to do with my sexuality.

I had spent years hiding sexuality from my family. Growing up in a Christian home you come to know what is acceptable and what is not. You learn that good people don't do this and good people don't do that. But why? What makes us good or bad? Why is it that I can do good things and still be bad but I can't do bad things and still be good?

This is what I mean about being bad without becoming bad.

As part of my societal rebellion, I recently became an exotic dancer. In other terms, (just to add that negative stigma we are all used to) I am a stripper. I was so afraid that I was going to hate myself after getting up on a stage, surrounded by mirrors and ogling men, to take my clothes off while I danced. As much as I believed that I stepped of the stage knowing I was a natural slut. Even as I walked around the room and talked to men I was completely comfortable. I had felt so strongly about my fear and that going out of my comfort zone to do this wold make me a better person. The initial hype of feeling so confident had me aching with excitement. When I was there I owned it!

One night, the hype wore off. The money had been great and my self confidence had been through the roof but I didn't know how far I had fallen into it until I was assaulted. A man approached my stage and whispered sweet things into my ear. He begged for a dance but demanded a bargain. I was strapped for cash so I agreed. I led him to the back area and sat him down. I watched as the girls finished their dances and walked away. We were alone in a crowded strip club when I started the dance. I fixed my pearls around my neck and slipped out of my sheer dress. I placed one foot to the side of the chair and swung the other over his body. Naked down to a thong, I lowered myself onto his lap and circled my hips over him.

I should have know right then to walk away. I should have collected my money (as the bouncers had told me twice before) upfront.

I had come up with a routine on how to handle unwanted but friendly grazes over my body. I would slip out of it in sexy ways by pushing their hands with a little force onto more appropriate parts of my body or get up and switch my position if their hands continued to travel in the same directions. It had worked so far and my customers were always happy with the dances I gave.

As I pushed my breasts into his face he made his first move. He placed his hands on my legs. I was comfortable with it even as he begged with pressure for me to sit. I started to feel uncomfortable when I felt his penis grow beneath his pants and right at the edge of my inner thigh. I tried to maneuver my way out of it. Again and again I tried to stop what I knew was about to happen. He locked his arms around me and dug his elbows into my thighs to keep me from moving.

No one was around. No one.

I don't want to write about this. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears because I just don't want to write about it. I've talked about it with two people but each person has gotten a more acceptable version of what happened but here I am forced to tell the truth. Here I am writing the truth of what happened and I know that it will make me look bad. I fell into this industry and let something happen because I wanted the money. I subjected myself to something that has made me truly ashamed and I am about to spill my guts as to why.

The DJ rounded the corner and for a split second I thought, "GET HELP!" I reached my hand out but by the time I did, he had turned to search the rest of the club for someone. I put my hand back against the mirror and stared at myself while I grinded my naked bottom and barely covered vagina over this man's crotch. I pushed his hands and told him he was hurting me. By the third time he did it, I couldn't move his hands. I know that all I would have had to do was get up but I wanted the money. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror when he started moaning. I thought to myself that I was the most disgusting person in the world. He asked for another dance and promised me $60. That's all? I was letting him violate me and I was helping him get off just for $60. I started to cry when his moans got louder and his thrusts got more violent. By the end on the song he relaxed against the seat and let me dismount.I had to spend the next five minutes trying to get my money from him. I stood there with my face plastered with a smile and collected my money.

I walked as swiftly as possible to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I wasn't even going to do anything about it. I was just going to cry and feel disgusting. I couldn't help but look at myself in the mirror and start crying again because I had just let someone do something so vile that I felt like I was vile. I slipped into the industry and became bad.

Money and sex have a weird way of distorting your thought process and your priorities.

I told you that story to explain that I feel I could have done better if I had paid more attention. If I had watched the things the girls did things or recognized patterns or even reflected on my job more often I would have seen it coming.

You need to dare to be bad but be careful that you don't become bad in the process.

Let's Get NAKED!

For those who dare to dare, there will be a moment when all you have is exposed to the world. You will stand there metaphorically naked in front of someone or something that is your world. It is in that split second right before they speak that you will dreadfully wish that you had just left your fucking clothes on but it's too late. The damage is done and now you must sit and listen to what your world has to say. By now, they will have figured out what drives you to do the things you do. They will probably have a very good idea about how you feel about them. They will also, probably have a lot to say.

It has been my experience in this journey that everyone will have something to say if you allow them to say it. It doesn't matter if you are actually naked and they have an inner monologue going on behind their eyes or if you've exposed yourself as the rebellious lovesick young woman that you are. Sometimes the things people say are worth listening to and sometimes they are not. Either way, it is worth it to shed the clothing. If you are never exposed you have never lived. If you never risk something, you risk it all being worthless. If you never dare yourself to live beyond what society says, you'll be traveling along with the rest of the fish that can't swim up stream. Dare to be original. Dare to be 100% yourself. Dare to live for God's sake! Dare to be bad.